I’ve made a focused effort this week (um last two days?) to get back to living life, in the present and now. It’s not going amazingly well, but it’s going. Putting on real clothes, make up, doing my hair…trying…I know I can’t just wait for some magical day when every part of me is healed. I know that, for me, I have to try and do what I can.
The rage isn’t so bad today, but I’m trying to take it day by day and keep myself in check. On the days that aren’t so bad, I find myself overwhelmed with sadness at the end of the day. My emotions are all riddled with the underlying feeling of complete confusion over how all this happened the way it did, and why.
I am also…frustrated. Frustrated is the only word I think I can use to describe it…frustrated. I feel like I have my life together, truly. I have a great job doing something I love, working with someone I admire and consider a friend. I have S & H, and we’ve fallen in to this rhythm (well as much of one as you can with a 1 year old and 3 year old). I was (and still am, obviously) focused on being a better parent, a more patient parent. I have made a life for us, when just a year and a half ago I didn’t know how we were going to do anything at all. And I feel like so easily I fell back in to a “train wreck”. Words that I used the day I found out I was pregnant to a friend of mine…I just felt like I was never really going to have it together. That no matter what I try…I was going to trip up and it was all going to fall. I spent two weeks thinking every day that I had no control over my life, and it was just…a mess. And when a commenter called me a train wreck, it took me no time to reply. Because she hadn’t said anything to me that I hadn’t thought myself. My life was a mess, and I knew it. I was in it. I saw it happening…when you’re in the middle of these life changing things that are crazy…you know. I mean, I did. And then, like now…I feel guilty. For feeling frustrated. For talking about the babies in a way that makes it seem so horrible to have had them in my life. Because it wasn’t, and maybe my life felt (and looked) like a train wreck, but they weren’t the problem – I was. I was on the train doing what I could to control it. And at the time, I couldn’t. And I was working on making peace with that.
Now? Now I focus on living life. On rolling with the feelings as they come, and taking control again. Because for all the wrecks this life has had, I have been and will always be determined to not let it stay wrecked. My life was chaotic before I found out I was pregnant, it’s a busy, demanding, at times exhausting life. And I was happy with it. I am happy with it. There’s some wreckage around here I have to figure out, sort through, deal with. But I can’t just be a train wreck, I don’t want to be the person that is headed to the next crash.
So I’m trying. I get up and work and take care of my kids and be a friend and figure it out day by day. The same way everyone else does it, because that’s what we do…we just live.