I wrote this Tuesday sitting in a parking lot. The last few months have been intense, and the part of me that has been the most hit has most definitely been my heart.
It doesn’t matter what you want, the heart sometimes re-breaks with no warning. It’s a weird thing…the heart. Capable of loving so much, being able to break and heal time and time again. But it’s not easy to know how much it’s healed. If it’s ready to be tested by loving again. Loss, grief, love, hope…it’s all there in the heart. Being capable of so much, being so strong yet so fragile.
My heart felt love in a way that I didn’t know possible, finally. After nearly 30 years I felt love in a way that I thought didn’t really exist. A love that was so intense that when the bad came the intensity felt like it was going to break me in half. I started to heal, my heart thought about it, but then ran the other way. It needs me to go slowly, carefully, intentionally. The heart is able to over run the mind when it comes to loving someone you shouldn’t, and running from someone who is good for you. And sometimes you just have to let it take the lead.
The amount of love and loss and grief it experienced in a short amount of time is still sitting there, there are still cracks. My heart isn’t ready to give up on love completely, not feeling a love like that again would be a disservice to what it went through, what I went through. It just needs me to take careful intentional steps, protecting it from the free fall.