I’ve been taking yoga for a month-ish now and I love it so hard. But an unexpected side effect is that I have become super-emotional and introspective on yoga days. The first yoga class I cried (did I tell y’all that already? I feel like I was going to but now I don’t remember) and while that hasn’t been a regular occurrence, on the days where I’ve been to yoga I feel very aware of how I feel. About everything.
Today at the end when we were breathing and clearing our minds and she was giving us mind exercises to help us grow…she talked a lot about being vulnerable. About opening our hearts to change and wanting to be vulnerable so we can experience something great. Being vulnerable isn’t something I’m really good at.
On the drive home I was thinking a lot about the time I’ve lived here, the person I was when I moved us to North Carolina – and the person I am now. I went through my archives to find this post that I wrote about right after moving here. And I think about the changes and the growing that have happened. It’s less shocking to me today how much the landscape of my friendships have changed. When I couldn’t feel comfortable in trusting people I pushed them away, unintentionally, and people just left. They didn’t want to stick around and weather my storm, my silent storm of being closed off and fighting to be independent at every turn. Some people didn’t know how to help and so in turn they turned around and walked away. Some people fought their way to staying in my life and didn’t let me close the door and isolate myself. I am forever grateful for the people who stuck around my hard times because they knew things I always didn’t – it wouldn’t last forever.
So much life has changed in the last 2 years. And in the end it’s good – but there were times and events and things that weren’t so good in the last two years. And while I was stubborn and didn’t want anyone to shoulder that with me, I feel very aware of how many people continued to offer that to me. How many people reminded me they were always here for me when things weren’t amazing – the people that didn’t leave.
Being vulnerable still isn’t easy for me, there are very few people I can just be open and transparent with. And now that it is so much of who I am I don’t even remember when that started – was I always that way? Or is it just been in the last 5 years? The last 2? The last year. Is letting people in easily foolish? Is it a good thing that I don’t do that anymore? Or is it keeping me from something? Maybe that should be the thing for 2014 – or maybe it’s just how it should be.
I didn’t proof read this, and quite honestly I feel like I was going in 5 different directions since when I started writing I wasn’t planning on writing much of this. But it is what it is and now it’s here. What’s the point of SCL if I can’t spill all the random weirdness of my brain?!