It seems to often that writing about the bad stuff, the hard stuff, the challenges, the complaints…that’s easy. It’s easy to pour it out (well for me) and I think it’s easy to read because you connect to it easily. Everyone has a hard time – everyone can relate to the bad things on some level.
But when things are good. That’s when it’s hard to write. To open up and pour out happiness here can be difficult – but I feel like I need to. Because I need to tell you to make the hard decisions, to not give up, to not settle, to not say yes when you should say no and not to say no when you should say yes. I want to tell you to make the change and choice that scares you if you believe on the other side you will find your place in the world. And maybe it’s not moving, maybe it’s that job or going back to school. Maybe it’s walking away from someone who doesn’t bring out the best of yourself. Maybe it’s letting someone in who challenges you to be the best version of you.
I want to tell you to find your happiness – and to stop thinking that the safe spot of settling for mediocre is ok. You may have to make sacrifices, you may feel the immediate stress of change, you may panic over leaving your comfort zone. But it is worth it. It’s worth it to wake up happy (even before 7 am WHAT!). It’s worth it to feel peace. It’s worth it to have people who push you to be better but love you even with your flaws. It’s worth it to know that you love yourself that you made yourself a priority.
I feel at peace and whole. And I am proud of what it took to get here. I look back at my sometimes questionable choices…I look back at my mistakes…I remember the times I had to make a choice to accept myself. And then there came a time when I knew I needed to do what it took to be happy. And because of the journey, it makes this happiness feel so much better than I thought it would. I know that I needed everything that happened – I can see all the ways it changed me in the long run. And I want everyone to know that they have the power over their own lives to find their happiness. Sometimes you just have to fight for it.
So I’m home.
I made it safe with enough of my sanity in tact to only need sleep, silence, and fun to return my brain to normal. For the first time in months I am sitting here not feeling the weight of stress and anxiety crushing my poor mind. I feel like me again.
We got here over a week ago and feel so settled in – even with nearly everything still in boxes. I am located perfectly between two Targets, and there’s a Starbucks directly outside of my apartment complex if you know me at all you know that this degree of civilization is something epically noteworthy. I may never move from this apartment – you know what they say about location, location, location.
But more than the perfect location is being with my people. I don’t have words to just be able to tell you all how great it’s been to have the people that get me around me. Not in my phone or computer, not hours and hours away. But here.
This weekend was my first kid free weekend – and truth be told not much could make it much better. (Except maybe weather that was just 10 degrees warmer!) I am currently sitting in total silence working. TOTAL SILENCE. Not like the silence from nap times and bed time that is usually accompanied by two loud white noise machines. But silence. And it’s glorious. I feel in the weird position of needing the time for me so badly that I don’t really feel the ache of missing them. Don’t get me wrong I can’t wait to see them tonight and have them back making me crazy. But after doing it solo for so long – having weekends free is a perk of divorce that I plan on truly embracing.
For a few months I’ve wondered what would come of this space when I moved home. Would I want to over share all the things I am doing back home – or would I be so fulfilled living that rehashing it here would feel like giving part of it away. And I still don’t know. I’m not ready to close this place down – but you can probably expect it to get a little bit dusty. My hope is anyone who has been here for a while, anyone who has followed my wee family’s journey for the last 4.5 years, that they are happy for this place we’ve arrived at. That they are ok only seeing the bits and pieces through IG or reading snippets from Twitter.
There will be things I write just for me, things I want to say because it’s a topic and a view point I want to put out – but I don’t really know when I’ll just come back here to share. I don’t know where I’ll find a balance between living the life I have worked hard to have – and sharing it with everyone.
Thanks again (for the billionth time) for all the support and emails and tweets while I made this a goal and did basically everything I had to to make it happen. I know this was the right decision for my family – and I am excited to see how we grow here and put down roots!